CONFRONTATION - Story By Jayesh Khare

“ What is the worst that can go wrong in a relationship? ” 

The question was hammering me in the head while I was helplessly living through each and every second of the answer. The worst possible outcome that I had always imagined was a terrible break-up. Two people once in love, either pretentious or true, decide to end all they ever had felt for each other.

 “Breakups can never be gracious” is what I had always heard, having never gone through it for I never had been in a relationship. Always focused on the outcome and result of emotionally investing in anyone, I had never pursued any individual in these ways. This, however, led me to live through a nightmare many people don’t even know exists. 

Not working in a relationship never meant that I had never liked people. There was one special person I had always been fond of, more than I took into account. I always had put efforts into distancing myself from any other person I may develop feelings for, convincing myself that it was another sacrifice towards achieving my aims and objectives in life when all the time it was my feelings for the special one that never allowed me to like anyone else. 

Unknowingly, I was seeping into what normal people would call hopeless romanticism. It wasn’t too late before I had accepted the feelings and affection, I had for them. It was romanticism, but not hopeless at the time.

It was the first time I had decided to pursue my feelings for someone. It was a simple plan all the way from the very basics, becoming more than mere acquaintances, developing a friendship, knowing each other by sharing things, getting closer and finally, a relationship worth everything. 

I had thought that the difficulty of the to-do list will increase as I get towards the relationship part. For me, the most difficult was starting a friendship.

 The over-dedication I had for certain goals had presented me as a self-centred and arrogant person before everyone, possibly the actual reason I had a bare minimum to no friends. This was a huge issue. Had there been a close friend, they could have helped me realise my feelings earlier, started the conversation with the special one and most importantly, warned me when I was overdoing things and dragging myself to a downfall.

It took me some time but I finally cleared step one by entering as a member of the huge group of friends they were a part of. Now came step two, becoming friends with them on an individual basis. This wasn’t as hard as expected. As I proceeded hesitantly with this formal proposition of being friends, I was welcomed with open arms by the partner whom I had always been thinking of. It happened, we were friends now, sharing a few things here and there. 

With this came the part where I was now supposed to get closer by sharing everything about myself. I had never thought talking about myself would be so difficult. I had a huge checklist in my mind of parameters they should clear before they could know anything about me. 

I did not realise it then but I was a deeply mistrusting person who was now on a journey of finding out all about them as I could, hoping that they passed on all parameters. As I had wished, they did. 

It so happened that our interactions became more and more often. I started opening up about myself to them, telling them about my experiences and stories. At a point, they knew a lot about me. I would not say they knew me better than myself, but they had all information I could afford to give to anyone. 

The special person had also shown trust in me, sharing things about themselves too. We had grown pretty close right now, sharing a special position in each other’s lives, the perfect requisite for the final step – a proposal. I was preparing to go all out when I realised that there were a couple issues at this point. 

Firstly, it was hard to gather enough courage to risk everything once and for all and try your hands at a proposal. The two of us shared a great bond right now. Telling them about different feelings could put an end to the best person in my life. Secondly, we were so comfortable with each other that we discussed everything – now including their affection and fondness for other people. 

It really made me uncomfortable but I could not just back down from there. So, I listened, suppressing my soul and being. I even started manifesting incidents and stories to tell so that the conversation wouldn’t be dry from my side, only to realise that this wasn’t healthy for me.

I was wondering what had ever gone wrong. All the steps happened perfectly, everything was going right but it seems they are not romantically fond of me. Turns out I had the answer to it. All the steps I had taken, all the way from just getting to know each other to finally them being the closest and most trustworthy to me, it all took a lot of time, years to be specific. 

Overall this course of time, I had always prevented myself from showing an interest in anything more than a friendship so they never anticipated it. “But we were so close, I had shared with them all I could.” There was a problem here too. Over all those years, I had always had a guard that prevented any interactions with other people. 

As a result, I had never known the intimacy, care and affection that mere friends can share. Thus, all I shared with them was from the perspective of a lover but all they reciprocated was a real-close friendship. 

This all led to me eventually where I am, the most dreaded nightmare, one where you never were or are in a relationship, so no chance of a breakup. But as each and every second passes, all you see are the chances you once had and never pursued, leading you to somewhere you can never return from, a place of emotional void. 

To them, I was their best friend and I have been pretending to have the same feelings, I had made a great real-life actor out of myself all these years. Looking back, all I lacked was the confidence of confrontation. Had I taken up my true feelings with them, I couldn’t have predicted the outcome. But it surely would have helped in getting over them with time. 

For now, I could neither let go of them nor advance to what I wanted. Losing a best friend would be much more wrecking. And I’d rather continue to live this life of lies than break through it breaking them along with it.

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Jayesh Khare